I am having such a blast reading back through my old journals and sharing them with Melody. This morning I picked up one of the first journals I started writing in after the divorce…thoughts recorded from July 2003 til July 2005. This continues to be such a faith-building exercise for us as we see God’s hand at work in our story…even when it felt like God was nowhere to be found.
This journal starts with Psalm 71:20…a promise I started claiming back in 2003. God is so faithful!
Tho You have made me see many troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth You will again bring me up.
I recorded this entry on Saturday, July 26, 2003 at 12:50 AM while at the beach with the kids…
I prayed for Melody while I was on the beach. First time in awhile. I can tell that God is changing some things in my heart toward Melody. I am much more understanding as I think about her situation. I can honestly say tonight that it is my hope that God would restore my relationship with Mel. It will truly be a starting over. I trust that God is at work in her life as He is in mine.
Grant me creative ideas on ways to serve her. What I’m feeling now is exactly what I was feeling when we were separated the first time. The difference now, I think, is that I have gone through an intense dislike for her and have not been in the “keep the family together at all costs” mentality. She is my true love. I love her guts. I love her idiosyncrasies. I love the way she laughs. I love her passionate heart. Her voice. Her way with the kids. Melody, I love you and have never stopped loving you. Oh dear Jesus, how I hope there can be reconciliation. Continue to mold me into Your image. Lead on, Lord Jesus!
In some ways I have felt naked sharing these vulnerable postings with Melody. I am so very thankful that I continued to record my thoughts through all of the crap I was wading through. I find myself being tempted to gloss over the six years we were divorced and forget all of the healing pain that God lovingly walked me through. These journals are helping me to see and understand that pain and what it took for God to expose the Imposter and help me to discover my true, authentic self.
For those who don’t know our story or have forgotten the timeline, Melody married again in December of 2004…over a year after I recorded those thoughts in my journal. After she married, I thought that God had forever closed the door on reconciliation, but I was wrong. It took a second failed marriage for God to begin to do in Melody the same thing He was doing in me. Through lots of pain he has helped us to understand His wonderful, scandalous, audacious work of Grace.